Wrestling with my past

I find it auspicious to note that retirement has granted me the serenity to know that despite my haphazard, disparite and lack of memories my life has been a semblance of dignity, worthwhile, worthy, and worth the endeavor. You know! Like in the end when all is counted and everything considered my life was not lived in vain. I made myself promise to make it count every time that I convinced my body to wheeze through my stridor. I had a serious case of ideopathic hyperreactive bronchioli (aka Asthma) as a child, and I recently had the epiphany that I made good on the promise to myself. Ever since I've a sneaky suspicion that I'm not the only one who feel that they've done what they signed up for and who are thinking: "What gives?"

I only recently realised that oxygen depleted blood supply is no way to remember and the reason why my memory was patchy over the time I was asthmatic. Unlike most of my peers I had a sedentary upbringing, first by choice, later in lieu of my health handicap. Starting with high school I was happy to by myself, with no interpersonal skills, no interest in sports, and bullied incessantly over my unwitting gender disparity. It was more than a year before I found out why people shunned mee. After spending most of my teenage years with my nose buried in books, at first looking for a cause and later for a cure, and it wasn't until I began my studies that I could fathom why my kind of love was a sin. In lieu of my self indighted exile I am socially awkward, friendless, maladjusted, absent minded and uperturbed by relationships in general. Given my highly unconventional and isolated upbringing I didn't expect to find any redeeming qualities in my misspent youth, but in hindsight it turns out that everything is as it was and always will be connected in mutual relevance. 

Since my retirement I've found that regardless of the chaos I've known throughout my life there is a number of pernicious, persistent and glaringly obvious threads that run through my entire existence. A thread that I had given up on since I committed myself to being gay, and one which I would never have  understood if I didn't live my live as I did. My midlife conversion to hedonism is a typical example.